


Agentstuck

by Raishiteru



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agentstuck, Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raishiteru/pseuds/Raishiteru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[AU] This is a universe in which Sburb and Sgrub never existed, and the trolls and humans have always inhabited the same planet, much like our own. Each race is indifferent to the other, though some prejudices are shared. Despite their differences, human-troll groups do exist, one of them being Alternia. A secret branch of the government run by The Imperial Condesce,  Alternia specializes in some of the more...interesting jobs, jobs that the FBI and CIA don't...no...<i>can't</i> handle. Every member they've gathered over the 3 years of their existence have been giving covers, disguises, aliases, and Alternia continues to recruit more. This year is the fourth, and they've picked up a new recruit, one by the name of...John Egbert.</p>
<p>((Uhm, my first time writing in a <i>long</i> time...please forgive me.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome Aboard, Recruit

You are roughly shoved into a chair, causing you to lurch forward and hit your chest against what you assume is a table. The stifling bag is whipped off your head, and you find yourself subjected to a blinding, white light, emanating from a lamp on the table pointed straight at your face. You blink rapidly, trying to get more focus on your surroundings, and as you do, you become dimly aware of a figure seating itself in front of you. Quiet shuffling in the background indicates others as well, probably the ones who brought you here in the first place.

“So, John Egbert,” says the figure in a silky voice, “tell me about yourself.”

“Wha—“ you begin.

“Actually, no need,” the voice continues, cutting you off mid-syllable. “Your name is John Egbert, and you are a high school student whose current elective is Honors Biology. You live with a single dad who is so busy that he’s not even home half the time. Even when he _is_ around, all he does is bake silly cakes and other goodies that you hate. And on top of that, you don’t have any friends at school, only classmates who torment you, taunt you, and bully you. Poor child,” the voice croons.

“How do you —“

“No questions, John!” Your mouth snaps shut in an instant. “Now there’s a good boy. Allow me to continue without any more interruptions, hmm?” You nod vigorously, squinting at the light. “Where was I? Ah, yes, I haven’t mentioned your newly awakened powers yet, have I?” Your startled expression causes the voice to burst out into a cackling laugh. “Of course I know all about those powers of yours, John! Wind element, aren’t they?” A pause.

“Yes,” you manage to squeak out.

“Wonderful! Her Imperious Condescension is going to adoooooooore you! She’s wanted someone with powers like yours in Alternia for quite some time! Well, what do you say?”

“Uhm, what are you talking about?” you ask, head reeling from the sudden onslaught of information.

“Oh, John, answering a question with another question is simply not a thing you do here!” the figure says, making a _tsk_ sound before looming into view. You gasp.

A troll.

Your eyes take in the image quickly: grey skin, a single yellow eye sporting blue lashes, glasses with a tinted left lens, blue lips curled up, revealing pointed fangs, and two wicked horns nestled atop a head of long, black hair, one dangerously hooked and the other, forked. She meets your two eyes with her own one, and it was then when you realized, she was still talking.

“So John, what’ll it be?” she asks again, tapping a blue-nailed index finger on the table.

“Sorry, what was the question?” you timidly ask.

“Ugh, John, please!” The female troll rolls her eyes. “Haven’t you been paying attention at all?” She leans right into your face and bites out each syllable. “Do. You. Want. To. Join. Us.”

“But who exactly is ‘us’ and why me? What about my dad and my education?” you blurt out, “What’ll happen if I say yes? Are you giving me time to think?” Your string of questions halts as the troll waves a hand.

“Too many questions, John! All of which can be answered in good time,” she smirks and leans towards you, “if you join us, that is.”

“I don’t know…”

“Oh, it’s fine if you don’t want to join us, John, I perfectly understand. We’ll just let you go back to your regular life and you can be on your merry little way. You can go back to the society that doesn’t want you and the father that’s never there for you.” She sighs dramatically. “All this time, I thought I was doing you a favor by bringing you here, giving you a chance to start anew! Welcoming you into a family that actually values you for what you have, and won’t shy away from you can do.” Your eyes widen and she grins, all teeth and fangs. “Well?”

You take a deep breath. “I’m in.”

“Absolutely wonderful!” she exclaims, clasping her hands together in glee, “Consider your entry into Alternia a birthday present from me to you.”

“How did you know —“ You stop yourself in the middle of the statement when you see her raise an eyebrow. “Uh, right, no questions.”

“You learn fast, John!” she says, grinning, “It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is your birthday. Though it was sixteen years ago that you were given life, it is only today that you will be given a _new_ life. What will you do with your new life?”  Her eyes twinkle. “Well, that’s not really your decision. Now, please show him in,” she says, but not to you. The lamp turns off with a _click_ and rough hands hoist you up with your feet dangling. Your handler begins to walk in the dark, and though you can’t see, you swear you hear a smile in the female troll’s voice as she gives one last statement:

“Welcome aboard, recruit.”

 

— Show Agentlog —

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began messaging gallowsCalibrator [GC] --  
AG: 8e nice to the new recruit!!!!!!!!  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased messaging gallowsCalibrator [GC] --  
GC: H33H33 1 4LW4YS PL4Y N1C3!  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased messaging arachnidsGrip [AG] --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm, wow, that was my first time writing in a couple of years, so it's probably chock-full of mistakes! I'm trying my best to format everything correctly, so please forgive me for slow updates and mistakes. I shall try to update at least once every two weeks.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Rai
> 
> P.S.: Happy birthday, John, my favorite kid ever!


	2. Furcility Tour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really terrible at updating and this chapter is really boring. So sorry. (ﾉ△･｡)

“Nepeta…” Your ear twitches at the sound of your moirail’s voice. You give one last swipe at the training dummy with your metal claws before sheathing them.

“Yes, Equius?” You turn around and proceed to make a delighted squeal. “Ooh, where did you find him!” You prance up to Equius excitedly, trying to get a better glimpse of the human boy he had slung over his shoulder.

“Hey, don’t give your sweaty moirail here all the credit! I spotted him first, Leijon,” Vriska said smugly. “Anyways,” she continued, “he’s part of the family now, so I thought it’d be nice to give him a tour.”

“Heehee, a tour _would_ be nice, Serket, but now’s not the time!” cackles a new voice, and you peer over Equius’s shoulder to see Terezi standing at the entryway, leaning casually on her cane. “The Condesce wants to see you, and it’s best not to keep the lady waiting! You too, Zahhak!” She lets out another screech of laughter and walks away.

“Ugh, this tour’ll have to wait then,” Vriska said disdainfully to the new boy as Equius set him down.

“Oh, I’d love to give him a tour, Vriska!” you squeal. She grins.

“He’s all yours, Leijon.”

“Pawesome!” You can’t resist slipping in a cat pun as your friends turn to leave. Vriska heads out the door swiftly and Equius pauses momentarily at the doorway, but you wave him off with your tail. Then, you turn to the new boy and give him a once-over. He’s taller than you with a head of messy black hair, square glasses, buck teeth, and a slight look of nervousness in his blue eyes. You take a liking to him immediately.

“Hi, my name’s Nepeta Leijon, what’s yours?” You give him the biggest smile you can muster.

“It’s John,” he says, returning the smile, “John Egbert.”

“Purrleasure to meet you, John! Did Vriska show you anything yet?”

“Vriska?” He looks puzzled, and you giggle.

“That’s so like her, always keeping an air of mystery around the new recruits and whatnot. She’s the one with long hair that brought you in. Terezi was the one standing in the doorway and the one carrying you was Equius, my meowrail!”

“Oh, okay,” was his only response. You suppose you _are_ providing him with too much information at once.

“Well, I’m guessing you have a bunch of questions for me about this place?” you ask, cocking your head to the side, ears forward.

“If you’re answering questions then what is this place exactly?” John raises an eyebrow questioningly, “Vriska didn’t exactly tell me much, just that I would get my answers if I joined you guys.”

“Good question, John, because I have the answer! This place is the base of an organization known as Alternia, and it is a secret branch of the government,” you pause for a moment, thinking about how to explain it simply before continuing, “I guess you can say that we’re kind of like secret agents!”

“Wow, why didn’t Vriska just say so then?”

“Heehee, she’s just like that,” you explain, “She’s one of the oldest members here, head interrogator, and second in command to Her Imperial Condesce.”

“Who’s this Condesce person everyone keeps talking about? She sounds important.”

“Why, she’s the leader of our entire operation, of course! She created Alternia and has been running it ever since. This is the fourth year.”

“What is it you guys do, exactly?”

“At this base, we train new recruits — such as yourself — to have the basic skills required in our field of work. This includes working undercover, being stealthy, spying, gathering information, fighting, and much more! The Condesce is given jobs from important people, and in turn, she assigns her agents to do the jobs based on their area of expertise…or their special abilities,” you add at the end. You look at John and he appears to be in deep thought. “Well enough of this. Let’s walk while we talk. I still have a furcility tour to give!”

“Huh? Oh, right,” he responds, looking up. You let out another giggle.

“Well, this room is the close-combat training room. I’m actually the trainer here. New recruits come here for lessons in using close-range weapons or their fists. But when I’m out on a mission, Vriska or Terezi usually picks out a substitute trainer for me.”

“You’re a trainer? But you look the same age as me!” he exclaims, startled.

“Purrhaps…how old are you, John?” you ask with a tilt of her head.

“I just turned sixteen.”

“Oh, I’m sixteen, too! But I’ve been in Alternia way longer than you have, which is why I was made a trainer,” you beckon him with your tail, “Now come along, John, I’ve got lots to show you!”

 

You take the new recruit for a quick spin around all the rooms, and point out some of the agents along the way. You point out Sollux, who is furiously programming away, face glued to a monitor, in the computer room. You giggle when he only grunts in reply and John gives a wry smile. You watch his awestruck expression as he stares through the glass walls of the aquarium — a room that could be completely filled with water — where Feferi and Eridan were currently doing an obstacle course; the two looked like twin torpedoes as they jettisoned to and fro, making wide arcs and sharp turns, leaving trails of bubbles in their wake. Feferi glides up to the glass and stops in front of you two, flashing one of her award-winning smiles, while Eridan merely casts a quick glance in your direction before returning to his routine. As you drag John away from the glass where he was attempting to play a game of charades with Feferi, you hear a shout.

“Nepeta!” You spin around, to find that the voice had come from the weapons room. It was Jade, waving excitedly at you, and you can’t help but give a little squeal.

“Jade!” You run over eagerly, tugging John along. He kind of trails behind you hesitantly, but follows all the same. You let go of him to tackle Jade into a fierce hug.

“Hehe, missed me, Nep?”

“Of course! How was your mission?”

“I’d love to tell you about it, but I’d also love to be introduced to this new friend of yours,” she says, peering over your shoulder. You whirl around and pull John forward.

“This is John! Vriska picked him up today and I’m giving him a tour.”

“Hi, John,” Jade says while pulling him in for a quick, one-armed hug. “I’m Jade. Welcome to Alternia!” John immediately cracks a buck-toothed grin.

“Hi, Jade!” You’ve always liked that about Jade: straightforward, open, and caring. She always knew how to make the new recruits feel at home, despite being pretty new herself.

“Since you’re back now,” you meow, “would you like to —“

“Oi, Harley!” comes a shout, interrupting you in the middle of your story. You feel your face prickle with excitement mixed with anxiety mixed with shyness; you’d know that gruff voice anywhere. You look in the direction where the voice came from, and sure enough, the troll you were expecting appears. “I finished putting away the guns like you asked, so — oh, hey, Nepeta.”

“Heehee, hi, Karkitty,” you purr in reply, tail curling. Karkat merely scowls at you.

“You know how much I fucking hate that nickname.”

“Sorry, Karkat.”

“Wow, Kit Kat, rude,” says John. Karkat glares at him, growling with bared teeth.

“Who’s this fuckass?” he says, jabbing a pointed claw in John’s direction.

“That’s John,” answers Jade curtly, “and don’t be so mean, Karkat, it’s his first day.”

“Wow, I don’t like him already.” Jade elbows him, but he continues to glare daggers at John. She sighs. “Anyways, this is Karkat, John, and as you can see, he’s a grouchy little thing.” At this statement, Karkat shoots her a glare as well.

“I have the fucking right fucking dislike who I fucking want to fucking dislike, Harley, you fuck.” A pause. “And I’m not fucking little.”

“Haha, he can definitely give the creators of South Park a run for their money with all that cussing,” John says, chuckling, “I don’t think I’ve heard that many F-bombs dropped in one sentence before! Can’t think of a better word, huh?” Jade laughs, while you tilt your head in confusion. You conclude that South Park must be a human thing. Karkat, on the other hand, narrows his eyes.

“I take back my previous statement. I don’t dislike him. I fucking _hate_ him,” he says, each word oozing venom.

“Wow, if words could kill, you’d be a winner… _fuckass_ ,” John replies, voice dripping with sarcasm. You give him a look of surprise. Maybe he’s not as innocent as you had initially thought. You turn to look at Karkat and you swear you can see a vein popping on his forehead.

“Don’t make yourself at home just yet, recruit, ‘cause you’re days here are fucking numbered,” Karkat snarls with bared fangs. With that, he stalks off, all bristling and spiky, like — dare you say — a cat. John snickers devilishly under his breath and you catch a glint in his eyes as he stares at Karkat’s retreating figure.

There’s definitely something black hanging in the air.

To be honest, you’re kind of…jealous. In just a few minutes of conversation, John already had Karkat reciprocating to his black passes. And he isn’t even a troll at that! But you’ve come to the conclusion that Karkat isn’t exactly the type to want a red quadrant, so…

“Nepeta?” You snap back into reality to see Jade waving a hand in front of your face. Oops, you kind of spaced out!

“Sorry, what were you saying, Jade?” you hurriedly respond.

“I was asking about what you were saying before Karkat so rudely interrupted.”

“Oh!” You perk up immediately, “I was just about to ask you if you’d like to join me in giving John a tour!”

“I’d love to!” she says, beaming. You’re just about to say something back when you hear loud footsteps. You turn around to see Equius entering the weapons room.

“Equius!” you exclaim, and pounce on him as a greeting. He barely flinches when you tackle into him and pats you on the head a bit too roughly. Well, at least he’s trying keeping a reign on his power.

“Nepeta,” he begins, clearing his throat, “we’ve been assigned a mission.”

“I haven’t finished giving John a tour yet, though!”

“It’s fine, Nepeta, really! I’m sure your mission is much more important,” John says quickly. Equius dips his head in agreement.

“Harley, take over,” he orders, and Jade jumps to attention.

“Yes, sir,” she says, giving a brief salute.

You really don’t like it when your meowrail orders your friends around like that, so you say, “Thanks, Jade, sorry for the trouble!” Jade grins at you, giving you a thumbs-up, while John gives a little wave, and you take off after Equius, who had already begun walking briskly away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ollies out for another month, 'cause he's really fucking t e r r i b l e...]


End file.
